Saturday, 26 January 2013

Bad times

I've been having a hard time. Last night I couldn't get to sleep for crying. I think I eventually got about 3 hours of restless sleep that just made me more tired this morning.
It's like even though I've been hurting all term, the full emotional impact hit me now that I wasn't worrying about Uni or exams.
But it's made worse that my usual comforts aren't here to help. There is no-one in Aberdeen I can call at 3.30 in the morning if I'm feeling down, because I either don't know them well enough, or in the case of band members and OTC-ers, I don't trust them enough. Those very very few I do know and trust, I don't want to go waking up at some stupid time in the morning. Though I realise that once in a while I should possibly take priority for a change, it's a difficult thing for me to be an annoyance in other people's lives, and since when is being woken up at a stupid time in the morning not an annoyance?
I also feel too far away from nature in this huge city. The only "nature-y" places are the beach, the park and an occasional garden. But the beach feels littered and unloved. The park and gardens feel too manicured and unnatural, where the flowers can't grow for the grass being mowed, and the trees are chopped down as soon as they reach a decent height. It's difficult to find a huge solid tree that I can just sit under in peace and try to sort out my internal war. And that's important to me. By the very nature of my religion, I feel out of place without something of nature around me. It's why I keep pot plants and pick up shells from the beach.
My grief did get too much last night. My grief over all things, and most importantly, the people I have lost. It feels so stupid that it would come around now, but I can't help it. As one of the LHC-ers said, grief is a day to day process, and today is one of the harder days. It was 5.30 at least before I got to sleep, and I stuttered awake at 8am.
Somehow I'm going to have to pull myself together for this stupid dinner I've already been worried about. I'm off to make a tartan shrug. I think I'll hand sew it because I'm useless at overstitch, and I don't want the tartan dress material to fray. Hopefully the monotony of sewing will take my mind off things, or at least give me a chance to think through things. It's the one reason I like cleaning rifles. The monotony helps me through.

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