It's a funny thing, the difference between university and high school. In high school you have a reputation, even when you just arrive, because you're moving in with all those kids who grew up with you. The way people know you is magnified and added to. So if you were quiet and reserved in primary, that's how people generally perceive you in high school. Over time, some perceptions may change - you may be known to be great banter outside of school, but still seen as the quiet academic in school. I was always seen as the quiet girl, except with my close group of friends. I knew most people in my year, but they were outside of my comfort zone, and I never had a night out with them until prom, so they never knew the loud, boisterous side of me when I wasn't in school. In fact, there was only a very small group of people who knew that side of me. To everyone else, I was shy, rarely spoke to people I didn't already know, found it difficult to phone someone, and hated large groups with a passion. I was a picture of innocence in a lot of matters to most people.
So what happened? How did I become the girl who never misses a night out, who is doing everything she can possibly fit into the calendar, with lots of different people, who openly flirts with guys in the nightclubs, and still surprises people who have known me for months, or even years.
The reality is that I was always that girl. I was never the innocent, quiet girl everyone expected me to be. Not really. Sure, at times, I thought I was, and certainly acted like it, but the person everyone else saw was not the same as what was inside. My two best friends could tell you that years ago. My other friends began to realise that the closer they got, and some stuck, while others clashed or drifted away.
How did my true character come out? Well in high school, it was at prom, over a bottle of champagne, when no-one cared what anyone did, because few of us would ever see each other again. But the main difference was coming to university. No-body knew anyone. There were no reputations, preconceived notions, or categories to fall into, because no-one knew you. Or if they did, you rarely saw them. For a change I had no pressure to be anything other than me. I could flirt with guys if I wanted, dance the night away, drink far too much, whatever. No one cared, because as far as they were concerned, that's just who you were, and there were plenty other people doing exactly the same thing.
Even now, when I head back to my hometown, or just visit family, that quiet, shy side appears again, but Aberdeen has become my haven for just being me.
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You sound a lot like me. I was the same way in high school, but never did get to go to university till I was 36 and pregnant with my fifth baby. (See this short version of my long story: http://holy-sheepdip.blogspot.com/2011/09/short-version-of-my-long-story.html)
ReplyDeleteOne other difference was that I never went to clubs... well, wait, no, I did once, but I found it too noisy, blinky-lighty, and expensive. I`m more of a redneck gal and went to the occasional bar, but mostly drank in the home of friends or out roaming the streets. :)
But the underneath stuff, the personality, the real me that was always there, about which you speak, that`s the similarity.
I enjoy reading your writing.
it is good to find out such things about yourself.
ReplyDeleteI hope one day you can be yourself around people in your home town too :)