Kinda sad

In my glass: nothing
From my iPod: Valley of Strathmore, by Silly Wizzard (there's other music on the bus radio, but cheery music is not what I want at the moment)
From my bookshelf: about 5 chapters into A Game of Thrones, but haven't had time to read it
Outside: cold. Had feet of snow piled up at home when I was there. Nothing in Aberdeen, but on way to Edinburgh, so no idea what it'll be like
My mood: sad, and worried
Todays hairstyle: standard braided bun with spin pins and hair net for OTC

My poor (few, though very much appreciated) readers. I'm afraid I've been a bit quiet on here recently. Almost neglecting you all. Truth be told I've not really been my best this last while.
I'd already written you a long post but it got lost in the system somewhere, so here goes again. Only now my flow has gone. :(
I've been a bit down again and reminiscing about my uncle, and my boyfriend. It seems stupid since its been so long, but I can't stop thinking about it. Anyone who has ever lost anyone will know how it is. You never really get over it - you just learn to deal. And dealing this last while has been difficult. Don't know why, only that it has been weighing on my mind more than normal. But I don't feel like I can truly talk about it. It's so difficult to put into words what has been going through my head, and try as I do here, it's impossible to get everything down and still sound reasonably coherent.
The thing is, it's not just my losses that weigh so heavily on my mind, but its difficult to say all these things. It's the family history and the expectations that comes with being a part of that family. Feeling like I could never measure up to that. Being known for being so-and-so's daughter/niece/sister/granddaughter all over the world, and not just as me. (Thank the goddess and the god that the majority of the people at uni have no idea about my family.) It's not being able to do what I want because I get frustrated at my inability to be as good as other people in my family, as stupid as it is.
It's wanting to go get a tattoo remembering them both, but being afraid of not being able to show anyone without them putting two and two together. I don't even feel like I could put it on the LHC since a part of it is so iconic of my uncle (and many of the people, and family close to him) in the worldwide band circle, and I don't want my identity being discovered and becoming so-and-so's daughter/niece/sister/granddaughter to yet another person in the world.
It's having my credibility as a musician questioned, or in some cases, ignored, because I chose to play the drum I do, regardless of my experience or ability to play other instruments. It's feeling like the most downtrodden and worthless member of the band, because I CHOSE to play an instrument I loved, rather than one of the apparently more complicated one. Is it SO WRONG to do something I love? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it is.
It's the feeling of not being able to start a clean slate. Not being able to get rid of a reputation that I don't want, and that isn't me. It feels like a game of he said, she said, where I don't get the option to say anything. The thing is, with my boyfriends death sitting so heavily on my mind, I don't want to be that person they all expect me to be. Partly because of the guilt, because as long ago as all that happened, I still have such awful guilt from every single one of the guys since. Probably because I don't think a single one of them actually cared about me, and at the time, I needed that, but not now. I need someone, ANYONE, to care.
But it's not just all that either. There's so much shite going about in my head that I don't know where to start and where, if anywhere, it ends (apologies for the swearing, but I can't hold my frustration and sadness in any longer).
I can't even tell anyone. I need to, but I have had trust issues, (amped love issues, but that's a different story) since both losses, probably since compounded by all the OTC gossiping. Besides, how do you tell someone about death? How do you find someone you can trust to tell. And even when you do (I think there is one person in Aberdeen I can tell) I have no idea when would be the right time. So many times, I've almost sent a "hey, do you have time to talk?" message on Facebook, and then deleted it because I couldn't fathom how to put any of it into words. After all how can I? How do you talk about these things? My brain whirs ninety nine to the dozen half the time, in such convoluted ways, that so many threads run alongside one another, and I can't even speak fast enough to get it all out. My head just goes and goes and goes, and I just wish it would all stop.

To make all that even worse, I'm worried about spring camp. I don't want to ruin my ankle like I did last year, and I know it's not as strong - the Physio told me as much when they discharged me, so I'm meant to "go careful on it". Thing is, spring camp exercise is not a careful exercise. It's a running about crazy, not having the time to watch your feet. If I twist my ankle, I'm out - and I don't want to. Everyone thinks me lucky, but they have no idea how painful ripped ligaments are, and that they're so damaged now, it's mostly muscle holding my ankle in place. And muscle tires. This is going to be horrible. :(

Urgh. I'm done guys. I can't do more tonight. No idea when this'll go up, since my ipad doesn't have Internet, and I've never tried mobile hotspot on my iPhone before. Might be end of camp before it goes up. See you all sometime.
Hopefully feeling better...



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

The Early Bird

(A poem by me for the other early risers out there)

Never miss the first soft glimpse
Of the rising morning sun.
Birds are singing, flying, dancing
A picture of mirth and fun.
Even in those dreary days
When the sun is on the run,
Life is there knocking on the door
With the first of the morning sun

Ramblings: Are we scots really all that bad?

This may very well result in a little backlash, but I did say I wouldn't be hiding things anymore.
At one lunch time last week, I found myself reading through the Gaudie (the student newspaper for Aberdeen). Usually I find the newspaper a nice relief from the regular old boring paper, being a nice mix of funny and sarcastic, and serious news and articles.
The newspaper in question this time had a article meant to be taken seriously, written by an international student on the subject of whether Aberdeen was welcoming to the large number of international students that attend the universities.
Being truthful, I have no problem with the start of the article - the university is open to international students, and there is an array of activities meant to ease the transition into university life in an unfamiliar country. It's the light that other people are shown in within the article I have a problem with.
It is made known in the paper that most international students tend to hang out with other international students. Ok fine, if that's what you see from your side, I won't question that. And that Scottish people spend most of their time with other Scottish people. Perhaps, though personally I find the international students in my course to be great to be around. Just like in my out-of-uni activities, there is a plethora of international students that I get on with very well. The article points out that there is no discrimination felt, when the author asked other international students how welcome they felt in Aberdeen.
However, regardless of this result, there were a few other sentences which I definitely did take issue with. One was from a psychology student - "When I told my Scottish classmates I was going on holiday in Bali, they gave me this strange look like; 'you're from the Czech Republic, where did you get the money from for that.'" Now perhaps I'm the only one out there, but I would be wondering where, as a student, you got the money from. Country doesn't even come into the equation. I would love to be able to afford a holiday, but I just can't, and I'm about as Scottish as you get. Why put the emphasis on country? No matter where you come from (be it the Czech Republic, the USA, Scotland, England, Malaysia, France - whatever), if you're able to afford to live away from home, get all the way through uni, and then afford a holiday in your fourth year, I would be pretty shocked. It's not about people from another country not having money, it's about the awe that someone else can afford to go on holiday when we could only ever dream about affording it.
The piece makes some very valid points, but I dislike the portrayal of the cause of the barriers between Scottish and international students. Sure cultural differences has a massive part, but I think the biggest problem is actually attitude, on both sides. Sure we don't have a new language to learn, but that doesn't mean we have it super easy either. The culture in Aberdeen is massively different to that at home, which is in turn, massively different to that in either Edinburgh or Glasgow. There's a reason I tend to get on better with the OTC-ers in Glasgow or Tayforth than I do in the majority of the Aberdeen OTC, as you may well tell from my previous posts. Different cultures, different personalities, different ways of communicating. Yes, we DO need to discover new cultures, it is difficult for us to meet new people and establish a rapport with them.
Then again, perhaps as someone with a reasonable number of international students surrounding various aspects of my life my experiences are different, but I don't think so.
It isn't necessarily to do with experiences and understanding, but rather attitude and a fair quantity of ignorance on both parts. Aberdeen can occasionally not be the friendliest place. People tend to keep themselves to themselves, which can sometimes be misconstrued as being "up themselves" or egotistical, which is not necessarily true, but can make it seem difficult for those not used to the culture. I don't find Glasgow to be so much like that (perhaps with the exception to the Celtic/Rangers debate/dilemma/fighting that goes on - I never will understand, but then, I'm not a football-type person..) which could be why I find it easier to make friends in Glasgow. That said, usually Aberdeen is fine - all it takes is for you to take the lead and speak to them. If I listened to my introverted self all the time, I doubt I would get on so well with the people I do. It takes work from both sides, though. The other side just sometimes needs a bit of a push.
Has this gone off track?
...Oh, never mind...

Location:Kings College, Aberdeen University, Aberdeen

Blogging from my iPad.

Well having been very good about not overspending, and my savings were still at pre-second year levels, I decided to give myself a treat. So I bought an iPad mini. Being honest, I've been thinking about an iPad ever since the start of the year. I just couldn't justify it. I still can't justify it, since I have a laptop, but I don't think it could ever really replace my laptop anyway-certainly not with all the typing I do for lectures- but it's nice to know I won't have to lug my laptop around if I want to just take something light for a weekend that won't take up too much room. I'm disappointed apple didn't sell full cases for them, though. Just the smart-covers. I went to PC World and bought a proper case, which I much prefer, even if it doesn't have the magnetic-turn-off function. It does the job for me. I must admit, I do rather like the blogpress app setup on here.
And yes, I know you haven't heard much from me this last while. I didn't do much at NaNo, and my spare drafts I have sitting to be finished for you are dwindling.
Anyway, I'm off to make up some slides for an oral presentation we have in a couple of weeks - we have our practice next Wednesday.
See you all soon, my lovelies!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Seaton park

Was wondering is Seaton park was meant to have a pond.


Apparently not, judging by the bench and bin half hidden under water.


Still cool though. I think a pond in the park on a sunny day is lovely.

The first flowers of spring

Location:Cruikshank Botanic Gardens,Aberdeen,United Kingdom

Singles Awareness Day and a brilliant idea that would never happen

In my glass: Pomegranate and Raspberry juice
From my iPod: Good Feeling, by Flo Rida
From my Bookshelf: Anatomy (surprise, surprise)
Outside: Dull, grey, wet
My Mood: Meh.
Todays Hairstyle: Knot bun with my 5" Glass Octopus hairstick, by Emergent Glassworks

Supposedly, Singles Awareness Day is the day after Valentines day.  I've never really been a fan of valentines day. I've never recieved a card, or flowers, or gone out for a nice dinner with someone. In fact almost every year I've been single on Valentines day. And I know I'm not the only one out there.
For some people, Valentines day is a day of happiness, and romanticism, but for plenty others of us, its a reminder that, in amongst the sickeningly sweet pink, and hearts that adorn all the shop windows we pass, and even cover that treat of a cake you have with your coffee, we are still alone.
We have our friends, but of course, that isn't what Valentine's day is seen as - its seen as a day for couples - something in which unnattached people often don't feel they can participate in.
I don't know about the rest of you single people out there, but today AND tomorrow, I plan to just have a normal day, go to the NaNo group tonight, and have a chat and a can of coke in the mess tomorrow night (we're going away for the weekend again), on the assumption that I'm not on guard duty or something.

Meh. I don't buy into all this commercialised stuff. I am a pagan. I don't celebrate Christmas (though my family does), nor easter, nor the vast majority or the commercialised holidays. Even Hallowe'en (I celebrate Samhain - the end of summer, and of the harvest, the start of the dark half of the year, the dying of the sun-god, the thinning of the veil between the worlds, and so on) is way over-commercialised for my liking. Trick-or-treat seems odd to me - we had guising instead, where the kids would dress up,, taking lanterns (traditionally turnips, but more often pumpkins because there were less cut fingers when carving them) and go from door to door, singing, or telling jokes in return for sweets or cakes. It originated from the celtic custom of "souling" on All Hallows Day (the term Hallowe'en comes from the old name of All Hallows Eve) where people would go from house to house singing and saying prayers for the dead.

About our brilliant idea - we've been doing a project n depression, and it has so far being going okay. The first draft has to be compiled and sent into our tutor by the end of the uni day tomorrow, and its hard keeping up with everything whilst still keeping anatomy ticking over (theres a test next week), but we're just about keeping on track. Anyway, the weather here has been horrible the last couple of days - the burst of sunshine didn't last longer than half a day, and we've had rain flooding down since in between spells of dullness. We had been talking about seasonal affective disorder and its effect on depression. Apparently, according to our tutor, as many as 49% of people in the northeast of Scotland (that is, right where we are) could get at least some symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, especially around now, in February - the No Money Month, and the one which usually has the worst of weather.
We got onto talking about those lights - you know the ones, the "happy lights" which are meant to help with sadness and depression in the winter months (this was just a random lunchtime discussion, y'all), and looking outside, someone said "Why don't we just have tunnels underground, so we can avoid the crappy weather in the winter?"
The reply to that was "Why don't we have the "Happy Lights" in the tunnels?" Yeah, yeah, nice idea - avoid being soaked to the skin or sliding on ice when walking between lectures - but never going to work. How on earth would you ever manage to build such a massive network of tunnels underground to link all the uni buildings without compromising the structure of the buildings above. Not to mention the cost of the whole project.
But it got us thinking, we wondered, why not paint all the rooms white (instead of that strange beige and odd blue colours a lot of the buildings have) to reflect more light, and put some "Happy Lights" in the light fixings? Now that could make a difference. It would still be an expensive project though, so it will likely never happen. Which is a shame, but we can all hope.
On another note, I should really try and find another bulb for my bedroom. Since it last went on me, I could only find energy-saving bulbs in the shops, and its so dull when I turn it on. When I get up in the morning, I need brightness, or I feel grouchy and moody all day. I managed to source a normal one for the hall, so I might go out and get another, because I would rather have a bulb that uses a little more electricity (like 20 watts more), and be my normal self in the mornings.

Bogged Down Already...

In my Glass: Essence lemon and lime flavour still water
From my iPod: Free Fallin' (Acoustic version), by John Mayer
From my bookshelf: Anatomy... booo...
Outside: Getting dark, still cold as usual
My Mood: Tired
Todays Hairstyle: Knot bun with my 5" maple stick

Ugh. So its what, week 3 of the second semester? Its HORRIBLE! :(  I got my results back, and I literally just passed anatomy. I spent most nights last term revising it to the point of mostly ignoring a lot of my other subjects, and I still only got a CAS 10.. I think I'm going to cry. I know its a pass, but its horrible to put so much effort in to get barely anything in return. Argh!
If second year is this hard, how am I going to get through third year?? The day I no longer have to be trying to escape from under a pile of anatomy notes will be the best day of my life. I only got a 16 in physiology, but considering that was a last-ditch attempt after stress over anatomy and molecular biology had already torn me to pieces, I think it wasn't a bad attempt. (please, please, please, dear Goddess, can we have some time between them come May?? Please?)
Is it bad that I'm already wishing for the term to be over? Scratch that, I just want ANATOMY to be over!
Plus we have this depression project which is just running me even further down. I have written like a page on counselling and less than a page on St. Johns Wort, and my mind is drawing a blank on my topics. My procrastinating involves doing OTHER UNI WORK! I barely have a spare minute to just blog, or write, or do ANYTHING that isn't related to work. I can't relax. I AM STRESSED!!!!! (you know what Terry Pratchett said: "five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind." Am I insane? Probably.)

I think I need to go and throw some things..

Mind you that wouldn't be very Tai Chi of me...

But still....

The source of the rashes on my hands

In my glass: Yop yoghurt drink

From my iPod: In Calum Fero, by Adiemus

From my bookshelf: ....stuff. And not interesting stuff either. :(

Outside: Today we had the first real warm blast of sunshine for months

My Mood: happy

Todays hairstyle: braided cinnabun with my 60th street fork (was going to do something more complicated, but ran out of time this morning)

Yay! I got my smilies working!  (just the basics really - I don't understand enough html to go messing around with blogger. I'll ave to do it the long way if I really want something that I don't know the code for) :D

Anyway, today whilst roaming around on the LHC, I went through my subscribed threads (I have it set to automatically subscribe me to threads I post in, because since the update after the great crash of November (which I apparently missed largely due to NaNo) I've not figured out how to look through my previous posts. Subscribing is the easiest way.
So I was looking at a post I had posted on about Nickel allergies and hair oils. Essentially the poster had a nickel sensitivity and was starting to have reactions to certain foods, and some of her cosmetics and her coconut oil for her hair was giving her scalp trouble.
I'm already allergic to nickel (like hives, blisters, itchy, weeping skin, odd patches of skin where I've had previous reactions - it can be nasty) and I already have a general idea of what foods and products to avoid (my fragrance allergy makes this even more difficult at times), but I haven't had a problem with my coconut oil. If I did, I would have known pretty quickly. I had also never seen coconuts on a list of nickel-rich foods, but I have heard some people out there with nickel allergies have problems with it. It could be nickel contamination from the production process, or it could be gettin picked up from the soil, or it could be a related allergy. As it is, my coconut oil is currently fine, and I'm thankful for that, but then, I'm still only on my first tub - there's time yet.
At the moment, we've been trying to think of some other, safer oils for her to try that she wouldn't react to, but that her hair would also be less likely to freak out at (at the moment, we're leaning towards emu oil or beef tallow, as nickel levels are generally much lower in aminal products than in plants).
I was going on a hunt around the interweb to find information on nickel content in various oils, and I made the rather late discovery that in 2012 the royal mint changed the metal composition of 5p and 10p coins.

I am almost sure this has been what has been irritating my hands. I use coins all the time, and I was allergic to the cupro-nickel that the old coins were made of. Now, since copper is getting so expensive, they are using steel and plating the whole coin with nickel, which I get horrible skin allergies from. The reactions had been coming and going with no rhyme or reason, and I assumed it might have been someones fragrance being sprayed in the area, but it didn't make sense because it was only on my hands and spread slightly lower arms. My face and neck were fine, which I thought to be unusual since usually all my exposed skin will react to a fragrance, and usually my neck is worst. I've been trying to find one of the new coins to test my theory with, but I'll have to find one first - I just took all my coins into the bank to get changed, and I only have a couple left, none from 2012.
I hope I'm right, because I will finally have the answer, but at the same time, I hope I'm not right, because its going to be darned impossible if I can't touch coins anymore.

DRAMA in the band world...

In my glass:Tropicana Orange with bits
From my iPod: Absynthe, by Ross Ainslie and Jarlath Henderson on their album Partners in Crime
From my bookshelf: I've been reading my way through a bunch of articles on depression for our Biomed project
Outside: The weather can't decide whats going on. Right now its bright sunshine, but it was hailing earlier
Todays hairstyle: JJJs Pretzel bun

I just got back from giving blood at the donor centre, with a plaster on my arm, because it won't stop bleeding. Think at this rate I'll have a bruise tomorrow. All par for the course, I guess.
So yesterday, after I left you hanging on the topic of Chernobyl, I headed off early to get my army kit back and iron it for parade. Since I wasn't in uniform, I had a quick look on Facebook, seeing as I always seem to miss the last-minute updates for the OTC. One very interesting private message, and one rather offensive post caught my eye as I was scrolling through my news feed. Oh the dramas of being in a pipe-band world.
The thing about the pipe band world is that everyone knows everyone, be it through someone else, especially in the top two grades or so.
We had a new tenor drummer appear last night who wanted to join, whos friend apparently knows my brother quite well. The band world is a small world indeed.
I discovered on drums|pipes that Tyler isn't playing with Shotts this year. Perhaps not mega-drama, but enough to appear on drums|pipes. Well, he is famous after all. I think since its to spend more time with his family, most people have been understanding - after all he has family and friends who live all over the place, and I honestly don't know how he kept up. Even though I'm only a student in Aberdeen, its hard enough to get to practices and such around stuff, and most students I know here who play aren't competing at the moment. I don't know how he managed it, but I think what he does is amazing, and I hope I'll see him playing again sometime soon.
Now the real drama happened last night too. There was a comment on a facebook page that it appears I wasn't the only person to take offense to. The band is, as a whole, a very tight knit community who work well together, and even if we don't get on with one person, we try to make it work for the good of the whole band and the people in it that we do get on with. In the army, you don't get anywhere on your own. So we were all very shocked at the post we came across, purely by accident. I won't mention the issue here, because we're trying to get things sorted out in the band without getting others involved (because although its unfounded but thats when the real trouble would start, and it could cause all sorts of trouble for the band as a whole). I believe the whole issue stemmed from one that occurred last saturday (remember how I mentioned an incident that I thought and hoped had been sorted out?), but something that should have been sorted out with only a three or so people involved, has now become a massive issue amongst the whole band because of  facebook comments that have offended even those who weren't there, and is now beginning to spread into the actual unit. This needs sorted out and stopped now. The actions of one or two individuals can massively change the whole appearance of the band, not only within the unit, but outwith as well. Words will definitely need to be had, not just with those one or two individuals, but with the whole band.  I think that the people involved have no idea the kinds of consequences to these things. I get that drama is a given in the band - we're a never-ending source of the stuff - but when it descends into this kind of nastiness, accusations, deep offense, and possible consequences for the band, theres a massive, massive, big black line thats just been stepped over.

Thats all I will say on the matter.

Tonight I'm going to go to Tai Chi, which could be interesting now that I'm missing that pint of blood, but I'm sure it'll be fun. Or at very least, calming enough to forget all this drama for an hour or two.