Kinda sad

In my glass: nothing
From my iPod: Valley of Strathmore, by Silly Wizzard (there's other music on the bus radio, but cheery music is not what I want at the moment)
From my bookshelf: about 5 chapters into A Game of Thrones, but haven't had time to read it
Outside: cold. Had feet of snow piled up at home when I was there. Nothing in Aberdeen, but on way to Edinburgh, so no idea what it'll be like
My mood: sad, and worried
Todays hairstyle: standard braided bun with spin pins and hair net for OTC

My poor (few, though very much appreciated) readers. I'm afraid I've been a bit quiet on here recently. Almost neglecting you all. Truth be told I've not really been my best this last while.
I'd already written you a long post but it got lost in the system somewhere, so here goes again. Only now my flow has gone. :(
I've been a bit down again and reminiscing about my uncle, and my boyfriend. It seems stupid since its been so long, but I can't stop thinking about it. Anyone who has ever lost anyone will know how it is. You never really get over it - you just learn to deal. And dealing this last while has been difficult. Don't know why, only that it has been weighing on my mind more than normal. But I don't feel like I can truly talk about it. It's so difficult to put into words what has been going through my head, and try as I do here, it's impossible to get everything down and still sound reasonably coherent.
The thing is, it's not just my losses that weigh so heavily on my mind, but its difficult to say all these things. It's the family history and the expectations that comes with being a part of that family. Feeling like I could never measure up to that. Being known for being so-and-so's daughter/niece/sister/granddaughter all over the world, and not just as me. (Thank the goddess and the god that the majority of the people at uni have no idea about my family.) It's not being able to do what I want because I get frustrated at my inability to be as good as other people in my family, as stupid as it is.
It's wanting to go get a tattoo remembering them both, but being afraid of not being able to show anyone without them putting two and two together. I don't even feel like I could put it on the LHC since a part of it is so iconic of my uncle (and many of the people, and family close to him) in the worldwide band circle, and I don't want my identity being discovered and becoming so-and-so's daughter/niece/sister/granddaughter to yet another person in the world.
It's having my credibility as a musician questioned, or in some cases, ignored, because I chose to play the drum I do, regardless of my experience or ability to play other instruments. It's feeling like the most downtrodden and worthless member of the band, because I CHOSE to play an instrument I loved, rather than one of the apparently more complicated one. Is it SO WRONG to do something I love? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it is.
It's the feeling of not being able to start a clean slate. Not being able to get rid of a reputation that I don't want, and that isn't me. It feels like a game of he said, she said, where I don't get the option to say anything. The thing is, with my boyfriends death sitting so heavily on my mind, I don't want to be that person they all expect me to be. Partly because of the guilt, because as long ago as all that happened, I still have such awful guilt from every single one of the guys since. Probably because I don't think a single one of them actually cared about me, and at the time, I needed that, but not now. I need someone, ANYONE, to care.
But it's not just all that either. There's so much shite going about in my head that I don't know where to start and where, if anywhere, it ends (apologies for the swearing, but I can't hold my frustration and sadness in any longer).
I can't even tell anyone. I need to, but I have had trust issues, (amped love issues, but that's a different story) since both losses, probably since compounded by all the OTC gossiping. Besides, how do you tell someone about death? How do you find someone you can trust to tell. And even when you do (I think there is one person in Aberdeen I can tell) I have no idea when would be the right time. So many times, I've almost sent a "hey, do you have time to talk?" message on Facebook, and then deleted it because I couldn't fathom how to put any of it into words. After all how can I? How do you talk about these things? My brain whirs ninety nine to the dozen half the time, in such convoluted ways, that so many threads run alongside one another, and I can't even speak fast enough to get it all out. My head just goes and goes and goes, and I just wish it would all stop.

To make all that even worse, I'm worried about spring camp. I don't want to ruin my ankle like I did last year, and I know it's not as strong - the Physio told me as much when they discharged me, so I'm meant to "go careful on it". Thing is, spring camp exercise is not a careful exercise. It's a running about crazy, not having the time to watch your feet. If I twist my ankle, I'm out - and I don't want to. Everyone thinks me lucky, but they have no idea how painful ripped ligaments are, and that they're so damaged now, it's mostly muscle holding my ankle in place. And muscle tires. This is going to be horrible. :(

Urgh. I'm done guys. I can't do more tonight. No idea when this'll go up, since my ipad doesn't have Internet, and I've never tried mobile hotspot on my iPhone before. Might be end of camp before it goes up. See you all sometime.
Hopefully feeling better...



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