Last Day of Term, and my shitty love life

In my Glass: Freshly juiced apple
On my iPod: Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO
From my bookshelf: Soulcatcher by A. K. Stevenson
Outside: Dark, cold
My mood: Far to wide awake for 11PM at night


Finally! Tomorrow is the last day! And.... I don't have to run around like a maniac like I do most thursdays :) I shifted my tuesday lab to tomorrow morning, because I couldn't be bothered with the stampeding crowd of people trying to get in the tuesday lab so they could get the cheaper flights home before christmas. Then my usual 2PM class is finished for term, which means I have more than three hours to do what I like between the lab and anatomy revision up at foresterhill.
Then we have the TGIO party for the Aberdeen NaNo-ers. We have a buffet and things at one of the bars in town, so it should be good fun.

Makes a change to think I might be able to relax at a party for a change. As good fun as I've been having at the parties I've been to this last while, I haven't always been comfortable. I think some people are slower to catch onto the change in me since the start of the year.
Mind you, it probably doesn't help that I came this close to slapping one overly-friendly and slightly creepy guy that was with us the last time I was out. With my life having been what it has, I can't ignore the creeps any more. Alcohol used to drown them out and let me enjoy the night, just like everyone else, but now I'm so wary, I can barely even relax anymore. When everyone else is getting drunk, but I can't relax enough to join the fun, or go onto the dancefloor without thinking about all the eyes oggling, it soon wears thin.
Apparently there's a certain rumour about me around a couple of the OTC-ers, which pisses me off since I've not actually done anything worth rumour this term. I'm really, really hoping it stays quiet enough to stay out of the Tae the Lassies poem at Burns, for fear I may burst into tears at the table. I've had enough of this crap.
How are people meant to see me as I actually, when people are making assumptions off my previous reputation? That girl wasn't me, can't they see that? I was acting in the way I did as a way to live through grief. And I regret every minute that I took advantage of someone else to temporarily seal the gaping hole that was my heart, but I can't take it back.
Plus, I can't get my head around the fact that at the time I wanted to pick someone up in the club, it was so easy, but now, when I don't want to be that girl any more, and I just want a normal guy to care a little, it's so, so hard. Why am I rejected so often? I either seem to get kicked to the curb, or immediately friend-zoned by every guy I like.
It's hard for me to get back into dating, after so much time grieving, but it is time for me to carry on with my life - to stop living in the past and start loving again. And I'm trying so hard, I really am, but I don't know how anymore.

Sorry for the sadness of this post - it was meant to be a happy one about the end of term, but I guess I need to offload a few things. I'm being overwhelmed by life. I don't know if anyone even reads this anyway.